Saturday, December 31, 2011

Be here now

The year is winding to a close.
It's as if I can hear the clock ticking the seconds away.
But it's not really the seconds left until the New Year that concern me so much as the seconds left until we have to leave Ian again.

"It's weird. I want to go home, but I don't want to go home," Esther said yesterday.

"I know exactly how you feel," I said. "Exactly." 

We are all stuck somewhere in between, so grateful for our little life boat, as we bob along the waves, but also keenly aware that a life boat isn't sea worthy for the long term.

"I want you to be my husband all the time," I said as I put my head in that place on his chest saved for me, the place I have been longing to rest in.

"I am," he said, so confidently I lost the desire to whine anymore and instead locked my attention in the here and now. Here and now. The feel of my cheek against his shirt. The warmth coming from underneath his shirt. The smell of him.  Here and now. Otherwise I will have regrets.

 "Daddy," I heard Isla's voice say as she cuddled up to Ian in bed this morning. "Isla," Ian answered.

"Daddy," she said again. "Isla," he answered again. 

"I don't care if you're scratchy anymore, Daddy," she said.

It seems even Isla is recognizing the importance of enjoying Ian while we can, whiskers or no whiskers.


Sheri said...

Lovely lovely pics! I think I always say that to you. But they always are. Looks like a wonderful holiday. I hope you can take those happy feelings with you for a little while. xo
Happy New Year!

Betsy said...

Thanks, Sheri.

Derrin said...

Betsy, lovely to see photos of the girls and some familiar sights in and around Joans. Hopefully one day we will get to meet you and the girls, cant remember the last time we were in the same place as Ian. Life slips by so fast. Jenny put me onto your blog when we saw her in Italy in October, nice to have faces to the names and a window into your life and the amazing countryside where you live. cheers Derrin (Australian cousin of Ian and Jenny)

Shehnaz said...

Betsy,the pictures are awesome!Your girls are gorgeous!! I can feel each word of and now!!! it matters a lot,doesnt it? Every single morning,when my husband leaves to work, i want the time to stand and now...the kids are asleep and its just us together......precious!And hey,I live in the other side of the globe,Dubai!

Karin (an alien parisienne) said...

Happy New Year, Betsy!

I'm so glad you got to spend time with Ian and the girls this Christmas. I just got all caught up on some past posts to see what's been up with you, with his immigration process, etc. I was pleased to read that you all were reunited for a time in England.

It's a very bittersweet thought, but really all we ever have is the here and now, eh? Things always come to change things up, shake things up, and so we have to appreciate the good moments while they are there. I'm glad that you were able to just be in the moment, be in the here & now, and enjoy it in the time you have had as a family. Soon enough you will all be reunited in the US and I know will be feeling all the more happy with one another because of what you have been through!

Too cute about Isla and the whisker comment, lol. Very touching. :)

You be well, Ms Betsy. Paris says "hi" and hopes that one day you will be able to visit again! ;-)

Enjoy your Vermont winter and these first months of 2012. Spring will be here soon (in both the metaphorical and literal sense!).