Friday, September 09, 2011

Just for a moment

Just for a moment
I let myself imagine
that you are dead
something happened
something terrible and unexpected
sudden and instantaneous
you are gone
I am left
the pain of this thought
overwhelms me with sadness
I wonder how
could I imagine such a thing
Me alone in this house
In this kitchen
where you so often kiss me
Alone on the bed
I lay in silent question
my morbid reverie is interrupted
by the sound
of car weels on our gravel driveway
your footsteps on the porch
your sweet voice calling out
I'm home!

I found this in my journal from 1999. Married just three years. No kids yet. Kind of morbid, for sure, but I can still relate to it, perhaps more now that we have children. Forming connections, attachments, allowing yourself to love and be loved, is not all safe, fuzzy and warm. It's scary, it's risking loss, it's putting your heart out there in the wide open air, just hoping it will be able to withstand the elements, the breeze, the occasional bird droppings, and keep on beating.


Emma said...

wow. i think it's too early in the morning here for me to be reading that!

Laree said...

I can't count the number of times I've been sure my husband is dead when he's really just got stuck talking to someone. But oh, that panic - that horror - that unbelievable stress of what on earth can I do now.

You captured that perfectly!

Betsy said...

Yikes. Sorry Emma. I should have put a please do not read before lunch warning on this post.

Anonymous said...

version 2011?

Connections and
allowing self
to love and be loved,
the wide open air,
the elements,
the breeze,
bird droppings, maybe.
Marrried -
with our hearts still beating

Betsy said...

Anonymous: Brilliant and perfect!

Anonymous said...

Thank you my dear! Bessy sur Cure has inspireth the new poet in moi :) (I couldn't be bothered to sign in and open a google account, so "anonymous" seemed quicker). nancy

Anonymous said...

crap... just realized I have a google account with "nancyk". I technology suck. Anyway... Just wanted to point out that inside your comment was already present... the present of the past of the... you know what I mean.

Was Living Down Under said...

Beautiful. You should post more of your poems Betsy. You're a really gifted writer.

As for morbid thoughts, my sig other thinks I'm a little insane because of the number of times I've thought/imagined he'd died or worse, left me. Not that I'm insecure about his feelings for me, just that sometimes it happens to people who never thought it would happen to them... So then, why not me? But I digress... Thank you for sharing.

Mama Badger said...

Don't we all do that? It's as though if we imagine the worst thing that could happen, if it does it won't hurt as much? Almost like we're preparing ourselves. I thought it was just me until my SIL said she does the same thing.

Beautifully put.

Seamingly Sarah said...

Is it morbid to imagine life without your spouse? Because I do it too. Sometimes I just let my mind wander and imagine what I would do, where I would go, how I would respond to it all. It usually leaves me in tears just thinking about it. Is it our human way of preparing for the worst?

Betsy said...

So happy to be reassured that, yes, Sarah, it is perfectly normal. I had a momentary lapse of confidence when I first posted, worried everyone would write me off as a looney and thought I needed a disclaimer of sorts. I hate when I do that. Anyways, it is what it is and thanks all for taking the time to read and comment. Watch out, I have more archives in my cringe-worthy journals.

Megan said...

Love it!
I have these feelings all too often.
More, please!