The demands never stop
my heart is squeezed by my own hand
milking it
palpating
it
waking it up
reminding it that life is good
and wonderful
and
worth the pain
Judging life
during the ebb
and forgetting all about the flow
is a mistake
I've been stuck in ebb mode
caught up in an
endless circling eddy
for week upon week
I don’t like it but
am at a loss to escape it
at a loss to figure out how
to muster the
courage to break through
the transparent wall of the bottomless
whirlpool
and take a lateral leap
out into the flowing fresh water
This constant round and round leaves me dizzy
and filled with
what feels like depression
but is probably grief
I’m heavy
Bereaved
If I were a cow
I’d be lowing in a distant meadow
alone
head hanging
jowls
jiggling in the breeze
Staring at the magnificent green clover
but
having little desire to eat it
Not one bite
11 comments:
This creative impulse to write beautiful poetry in the midst of your grief is a step toward the light... Sending peace.
Not sure what to say but saying nothing seems wrong. So, I just say that we are thinking of you.
Thanks Nigel. Not to worry. Women's World Cup, and the fact that we now have cable, has made that clover look appetizing again. Even if they are playing on turf.
Glad to hear the clover is starting to look better to you. It's a long process. My Mom died 5 years ago (she was 59, had brain cancer) and it's only recently that every thought of her doesn't nearly bring me to tears. Be kind to yourself.
I like what Lara said above, Be kind to yourself. And the fact that you are self aware helps to to take care of yourself. Hug your girls and your husband and your doggie and your mom a lot. My heart goes out to you.
From long time reader, frequent commenter, Liz in Massachusetts
Beautifully written and so good to write it out in hope it speeds up healing. Even a tiny bit. Sending you all continuous love and hugs.
Beautiful, Betsy. I know writing must help move you through grief. Keep at it.
Heartachingly beautiful. Hugs to you as you begin to notice the clover. --Mindy
I'm so sorry for your loss Betsy. I've only just found out about your father - I've been busy lately and my kids are growing so I haven't been to Babycentre for awhile. I came here because when you do write, I love to see what you've written.
All my thoughts and prayers are with you. Even though you know the end is near, you're never quite prepared for life without a parent. No one can take their place and they remain permanently etched in your memory. Grief does come in ebbs and flows, the only thing you can do is move through it and let it take you where you need to go. I wish you peace as you navigate the world without your dad in his usual place.
So beautiful, heartbreaking. I love your writing Betsy, sending you peace and love during this difficult time.
Poetry, my dear fruzzin, yea, it is poetry. I'm out there too sometimes, "lowing in a distant meadow.
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